I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
