My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
