stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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