I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
