Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
