Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
