i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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