Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who died my cat blue again?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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