If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
