this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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