Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize