glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
