my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
