Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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