um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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