I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
