it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
