when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize