I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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