You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
