too bad you live with your parents still
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
being pregnant is like rehab
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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