Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
