Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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