It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
