Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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