just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So drunk its hurt
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
someone owes me an orgasm
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize