I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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