Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize