I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
