dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
