Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
