The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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