Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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