Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
