I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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