maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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