So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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