My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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