My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
so much tequila, so little girl.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
