its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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