im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
