Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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