this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
