He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
