Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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