Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
