as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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