You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
