I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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