my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize