guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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