He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
