If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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