So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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