It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
