my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
