one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize