I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh god it's open bar.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
