Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
