I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
40s are totally the cure
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
