I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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