did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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