Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
