It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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