He passed out mid-signature
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize