I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
MIDGETS
????
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize